The Emotional Journey of Fertility: My Story and the Stories of Others
In a moment of overwhelming emotion, I took to my Instagram stories to share my deep dive into Google, attempting to find answers to the many questions swirling around in my head. Surely, I couldn’t be the only woman (or maybe even man) who felt this way! The thoughts were relentless—every month, with each period, grey hair, or new wrinkle, I couldn’t help but wonder: how many viable eggs do I even have left? Was I alone in this mental spiral?
The response I received was nothing short of astonishing. Over 50 people—mostly women, but a few men too—from my Instagram community reached out to share their own thoughts, dreams, fears, and personal experiences. Thank you to each and every one of you who got in touch. Your words meant more than you can imagine.
There's No Perfect Time
As I read through the messages, I quickly realized one universal truth: there is no such thing as a perfect time to have children. Life has a funny way of taking us down paths we never planned for, even when we think we have it all mapped out.
One friend’s message stood out. She reminded me that we, as women, have a remarkable ability to beat ourselves up over past decisions. That nagging voice constantly whispers, “What if I had done things differently?” It’s a dangerous question that threatens to overshadow all we have achieved and what we should be celebrating in the present.
The Heartbreak of Lost Time
I spent 7.5 years in a relationship from the age of 22 to 30. By some standards, it was successful—he even proposed. But ultimately, it didn’t work out. I ended up with heartbreak and divorce, while he moved on to a new life, with a new partner, in a new country.
There’s a part of me that will always grieve for those lost years. It feels like a 7.5-year blot on my life, especially when I think about how those years were likely my most fertile. Instead of investing in a future home or family, I spent money on a wedding that didn’t last. I sometimes wonder: could I have been a mother during that time? But then again, the relationship was never right, and the timing was never right. It just wasn’t a priority.
A Different Life at 20
Before that relationship, I came incredibly close to becoming a mother. At 20, during a summer break from university, I accidentally became pregnant. Only a few people know about this part of my life, and I’ve just recently shared it with my grandmother before writing this.
At that time, I was mortified. The timing couldn’t have been worse. I was about to start my second year of university, and the idea of having a child at that point in my life seemed impossible. My boyfriend at the time was in his final year of university, and I was one of the few people in my family to make it to university in the first place. I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing them by abandoning my degree.
The decision I made wasn’t easy, but I knew it was the right one. I had an abortion at six weeks. The doctor even mentioned that the pregnancy may not have been viable, but I’ll never know for sure. On my 21st birthday, I found myself trying to hide the bruises from blood tests and pretending everything was fine. I’ve never regretted my decision, and I never will. I believe strongly in a woman’s right to choose, and for me, it was the right choice.
The Lingering Question
Now, many years later, I sometimes have irrational thoughts. Am I being punished for my decision back then? If I never conceive, will it be because I chose not to at 20?
As I’ve grown older, these thoughts have become more frequent. At 30-something, I’m now reflecting on my career, my relationships, my dreams, and, most pressingly, my age. I find myself wondering: what do I really want next?
I'm Not Alone
To my surprise, I’m not the only one wrestling with these thoughts. Many women in their 30s and 40s around the world are facing the same questions. Can I have children? Do I want children? How do I find out if it’s still possible?
I know people on both sides of the fertility spectrum. Some friends have been lucky enough to conceive quickly, while others have struggled for years, enduring heartache and disappointment. The heartbreaking part is that those who struggle are often the ones who would make the most loving, dedicated parents.
Sending Love and Support
To anyone reading this who is going through the struggle of trying to conceive or who has faced difficult decisions in their fertility journey, I send you all my love and support. Whether it happens quickly or takes years, whether you’re childless by choice or circumstance, know that you are not alone in your thoughts and fears. Life’s path is rarely straight, but it’s ours to walk, with all its twists and turns.
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