Why children cannot be (not) compared
Parents often hear from others that all children are different and have individual development. Of course, this is true. And we also often tell our parents about it. But as always, the context of any recommendation is important.
Sometimes it is useful for parents to compare the child with peers to assess the level of its development. We, as neuropsychologists, are well aware of the importance of such an assessment.
Let's share the concepts a bit and talk about when comparing a child with other children is possible, and when and how to do it is definitely not worth it.
When to compare your child with other children
A sober and slightly cold-blooded assessment of the level of development of your child with other children of the same age and developmental norms can help to notice a problem in time. This is especially true if the child is the only one in the family.
As psychologists, we know how difficult it is sometimes difficult for many mothers to do this. The very fact of accepting that something may be wrong with a child is impossible for many. However, parents should sometimes look at the child a little from the side - whether the language is well developed, motor skills, whether his behavior corresponds to what is required by social norms of the child of this age.
This is best seen in comparison. When a child is among peers. At the playground, during classes and trainings, during group excursions.
Seeing a child every day, many problems parents may not notice. And such a comparison can help to understand whether it is time for a child to seek help from specialists: doctors, speech therapists, neuropsychologists, psychotherapists, physical therapists.
Timely professional intervention will help to solve many problems in time.
When not to compare children
Incorrect comparison of children can lead to neurotic disorders of both children and parents themselves.
You can never compare aloud with a child to someone else. Even if the comparison is in favor of your son or daughter's child. ("But other children study better, and you're a third-grader", "You danced better than Olenka").
Parents should not compare the achievements of children ("Peter is great, he tries in training, so he wins the competition, and you're lazy") Such promises do not motivate anyone. But they can injure.
Children from the same family should not be compared and exemplified. ("Vasya at your age has already read books, but you will not learn"). And forget also about "Here I am at your age already ...".
Such "educational" measures only create jealousy between brothers and sisters, reduce self-esteem, lead to frustration, dissatisfaction with basic psychological needs. And will never be an incentive for development.
Parents need to learn to notice problems in time. At the same time, do not transfer the responsibility and guilt for them to the child, but provide timely support and assistance, and thus promote the development of the child's personal potential. The emphasis should always be on the progress of the child in comparison with his own results. Emphasize her personal growth.
This approach will contribute to the healthy psychological development of the child and a favorable climate in the family.
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